Attachment


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Home > Books & Resources > Attachment

Attachment and adoption

Attachment is a subject that all adoptive parents must acquaint themselves with. Having difficulty with attaching to a parent is not just a problem for children who have lived in an orphanage, or suffered abuse and neglect. Any child that has suffered an interuption in caregiver, or poor caregiving, even for a short period, may have attachment issues. Many experts argue that if a pregnant woman is suffering from abuse or depression during her depression that her baby will also be harmed in-utero and may be born with attachment challenges.

Children who were adopted usually join their families a little later than biological children, some a matter of hours or days after their birth; others, several months or years later. Some of our children have lived in orphanages or in multiple foster homes and others may have experienced extreme stress in-utero. All these beginnings are compelling reasons for adoptive parents to understand the importance of attachment, be able to recognize when their child seems to have problems attaching, and to know what to do about it.

Of course, attachment is not just an issue for adoptive parents: experts like Dr. Gordon Neufeld passionately argue that all parents, no matter how they formed their family or whatever age their children are, must pay great attention to developing and maintaining their attachment relationship with their child. He insists that unless they do so their children will replace any parental attachment void with peer attachments, which are not what growing children or teens need.

It isn't always the child that has the difficulty in attaching, sometimes it's the parent. Attachment is a two-way street. Fortunately, attachment is not static. Consistent, reliable, and loving care can bring great improvements.

Possible signs of attachment issues

Reluctance to make eye-contact or to accept touch
Little affection for parents
Demanding or clingy behaviour
Stealing and lying
Low impulse control
Hoarding or gorging on food
Affection toward strangers
Superficially charming actions
Destructiveness to self or others
Inability to link cause with effect
Attempts to control situations by manipulation or aggression

Illustration from Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

Each time a parent or caregiver and child go through the arousal-relaxation cycle (when a child gets upset, is comforted, and relaxes again), their trust in each other grows stronger, their mutual sense of security is enhanced, and their attachment to each other is strengthened. With each journey through the cycle, the relationship has an opportunity to strengthen.

Attachment is a close emotional bond resulting from the process of mutual interaction between a child and a significant person in a child’s life.

It can also be seen as an affectionate bond developed between two or more people over a period of time. Attachments do not occur instantly at birth or upon first meeting.

The capacity to form attachments is important to development in all areas of life: emotional, social, physical and cognitive.

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