Diary of an Adoptive Mom #22


Diary Mom
Focus on Adoption magazine

In the 22nd of our series, our mom of three kids--Emily, Grant, and Lynn--receives a dramatic phone call, one that she had always secretly hoped for but also dreaded. When it finally comes, it unleashes some very strong emotions.

The day started off just like most of our days—a little on the crazy side.

It was a warm spring day and the kids were actually getting along—probably because I was keeping Lynn and Grant apart so that she couldn’t push him off the top of the slide.

So, when the phone rang and I glanced at the caller ID, it didn’t particularly register that it was the adoption agency. Seconds later, I heard the words I had so often secretly been hoping for—and dreading. “Emily’s birthmom is pregnant and wants you to parent the baby.”

I would like to think I was coherent and calm, but I doubt I was. This was my dream come true and my worst nightmare all at once. 

Other than us sending letters and photos through the adoption agency, we hadn’t had much contact with Alexa, Emily’s birthmom. Although we had repeatedly asked for her to send photos and always encouraged her to contact us, she never had. I had always supposed she was too busy with her other kids or that it was too painful for her. 

Apparently, she was too busy having unprotected sex! I know, that is a horrible thing to say, but it’s what popped into my head right away. Who am I to judge? I don’t live her life, and I’m certainly not living her lifestyle. But I can’t help feel that if placing one of her babies for adoption was so difficult and painful, why was she having to do it again? I also just discovered that, in addition to her other two children, she had another baby after Emily was born! What was she thinking? Whether you can afford birth control or not, has she not heard of saying “No?”

I know, I know. I am being very judgmental and it’s easy for me to sit here and say these things. But come on! Where does it end?

Alexa was already parenting two kids when Emily came along. She knew she didn’t want to raise another child as a single parent: that’s why she chose adoption. And now, not only do I discover that Emily has another sibling I didn’t know about, there’s another baby on the way!

Okay, so that’s enough of my rant. Now that I’ve said those horrible things, I feel really bad. It’s so easy for me to sit here, in my nice home, and say what she should and shouldn’t have done. I have a husband and a supportive (for the most part) extended family. Who does Alexa have to support her? When she was pregnant with Emily, she hid the pregnancy from her family so they wouldn’t know about her plans to place the baby for adoption. I don’t think the father of this baby is the father of any of her other kids—at least that’s what the social worker said. From what I know (which isn’t much), I imagine she is hoping one of the fathers will stick around. But then again, I could be way off base. The fact is, I will never know how it feels to be in her shoes, so I should just shut up about it and go back to feeling bad because I have so many of the things she may never have. 

So now the question remains—will we parent this baby? Alexa hasn’t had any prenatal care, but she thinks she’s due in June. Hopefully, the social worker at the agency will get her to a clinic for an ultrasound and whatever else it is that they do when you’re pregnant. Of course, I don’t know about all that because I can’t get pregnant. While she just keeps popping babies out, I can’t even carry one. 

So what are we going to do? We have three kids very close in age, two of whom are in school, and one will be in school full-time in two years. Do we want to go back to diapers and sleepless nights? Can we do that? Yet how can we say “No” to the sibling of one of our kids?

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