In the 23rd of our series, our mom of three kids--Emily, Grant and Lynn--is still absorbing the news that Emily’s birthmom is pregnant and wants them to adopt the new baby. It’s a difficult decision, and everyone seems to think that she’s the one who should have to make it.
I phoned my husband at work, suggested he sits down, and tell him about Alexa being pregnant. Dead silence. When he finally spoke, he said, “That’s so great! A sibling of Emily’s! Wow! When is she due?”
“Who is this man, and what have you done with my real husband?” I wondered. “You know, the man who cautiously comes in the door at the end of the day, hopeful that he won’t find his wife tied up with duct tape to the kitchen chair while the kids have totally destroyed the house. The man who has to listen to me tell him how long it took me to wash the kitchen floor for the third time today after the kids were blowing bubbles in their milk with straws and thought it would be cool to see if they could make a solid chain of bubbles from the table to the door.”
Then he continued by saying that whatever I decide to do, he will support me, because I am the one who will be at home for another five or six years if we have a new baby. Yeah, sure, leave it up to me.
After that, I talked to a couple of girlfriends, who are also adoptive moms, and have been there for me through many of my struggles. They all told me they would support me in whatever I choose to do, and encouraged me to not only follow my heart but, more importantly, follow my gut.
The irony of this situation is not lost on me. When we first started looking into a second adoption, I used to fantasize about Alexa getting pregnant and placing the baby with us. I really didn’t want her to get pregnant again but, in the back of my mind, I felt that would make things easier for us. How bizarre is that? And now, two years after Lynn and Grant were placed with us, Alexa gets pregnant. I’m a firm believer in things happening for a reason, but I can’t help but wonder what our lives would be like if this had happened two years ago.
But it didn’t; it’s happening now. How can I turn down Emily’s sibling? Lynn and Grant have each other. It would be so cool if Emily too had a birth sibling. So, I decided. I told the agency that, yes, we will adopt this baby! Oh my God!
Well, it is now Sunday evening, and I don’t think I’ve slept much this whole weekend. Everywhere we went, all I could see were babies and toddlers. I have to say that I love babies. But I don’t think I can start all over again. Lynn and Grant have just about finished me off, and that’s a good thing. My three kids need me and, if I have to carve off another chunk of myself to give to a baby, there won’t be anything left. Lynn especially needs everything I can give, and I have to put her first--I want to put her first. And I honestly don’t have the energy and enthusiasm for baby and toddler playgroups, singsongs, and all the other things I enjoyed with Emily.
This is a difficult decision and yet it is also an easy one. I know it’s the right thing for me, and for the rest of my family. But how do I tell Alexa? I hope that she will arrange to place her baby with a family that we will be able to keep in contact with. I also realize that may not happen. By choosing not to parent this baby, we may never have any contact once Alexa gives birth.
I will phone the adoption agency tomorrow and tell them of our decision, and hope that we will be able to keep in contact with whomever adopts the baby.
I’m sad that we may not ever know this new sibling of Emily’s, but that is just another one of those issues in adoption that make us cherish and value the children that we do have.