Grief and loss

"My husband and I have recently been diagnosed as infertile. Whereas I have come to see adoption as the best option for raising a family, my husband sees our infertility as an indication that we should remain childless. I’m at a loss, I love my husband, but I really want a family."

“There is a problem. This could impact your ability to have children,” were the words I heard from my gynecologist after having laproscopic surgery. My heart sank. I had wanted to be a mom from the time I was four years old. When I thought I would never be a mom, I felt incomplete, ugly, and embarrassed. I didn’t want anybody to know.

Adoption reversal and revocation strikes fear in the hearts of adopting parents. Under section 19 of the Adoption Act, "a birth mother may revoke her consent within 30 days of the child's birth, even though the child has been placed for adoption during that period." In a reversal, consents have not been signed; in revocation, consents have been signed. In most cases the child was living in the adoptive home. Under the old Act, there was no revocation period.

Talking about grief and loss is a difficult conversation for adoptive parents to have with each other and with children. For my family, adoption is neither a win-win-win nor a lose-lose-lose situation, but rather it is both. Together the losses inherent in the adoption process and the deep love we share bind our family together. After eight years and lots of difficult work acknowledging my own losses, I am more able to embrace the role that both loss and love play in our family.

The Decision to Adopt
Kathy and Rick Miller already had four birth children between the ages of nine and 16, when they decided to add a sibling group of two to their family. "We enjoy children a lot," said Kathy, who has a degree in Child and Youth Care. "We have lots of parenting experience, and we felt we had a lot to offer as a family." She and Rick, who is a teacher, wanted more children, but felt that it was better "to expand our family by adding children who genuinely needed a home, rather than biologically."